YOU ARE JUST RIGHT for the job. Perfect. We have been looking all over, high and low, for someone with your qualifications. Your wit and humor, along with your degree of intelligence, is just the remedy for our problem. Thank you. Thank you, very much indeed for coming in to meet us.

There are a few things you need to know about the position. I’ll tell you about them, although, I am sure that it will be most easy for someone like yourself to understand. This position is one of responsibility and control, like any manager would have; but how you implement these is entirely up to you. The workers beneath you are well-trained and never complain. You will do very well with them, I am sure.

Ice cube and red apple

As you know, we make plastics here and of the highest quality. Our plastic fruit is exceptionally realistic, and you have the exact skill set to maintain this high quality of excellence.

What, you might ask, do we look for in our finished goods: the answer is quite simple. If our plastic fruits were in a bowl next to fresh fruit of the same variety, we expect a person to be unable to tell which is which. You may conduct experiments as you wish, in any form you like. That is a provision of your position. And as such, you are a scientist now. You may wear a white lab coat, with measuring and writing devices in the
pocket, and we will put our company label on it for you. That way, when you walk through the office and the factory floor, everyone will know exactly who you are. You can hold your head high, because you will be known as the scientific expert on our products. I might say, “scientific expert,” now that has a wonderful ring to it.

We will also give you a single eye-glass, a spectacle for the in-depth examination of our plastic fruit. It will have a chain that attaches to your coat button, and runs into your pocket of your white lab coat with the measuring and writing devices in it. And when you come to something that requires a closer examination, the spectacle will be there in your pocket waiting for you. When people see you examining the fruit with your spectacle and your white lab coat, they will be certain you are the scientific expert.

I believe there is one more thing that we shall provide to you, as an employee of such high esteem. All day long, you will be thinking very hard. Examining all sorts of produce and comparing it with its fresh counterparts from the jungle. To help with all that deep thinking, you will be provided a pipe to puff on as you please. A curved wooden tobacco pipe, that you can hold in your large mouth while you think about our fruit. Perhaps it will allow you to consider more deeply the reality of what is at hand.

And there you are, with your white lab coat on, your pocket full of measuring and writing devices, and your eye-glass for examination and your pipe to help you with the thinking.

You will be a regular, god dammit. And you know what, everyone is going to look at this company and say, those people make the best, most realistic plastic fruit that is on the market today. And you are our secret to that success.

See, nobody will ever guess that we have a chimp running quality control. Do you know that, Nibbles? Nobody will ever guess.


10418170_10102436653513723_2283594870747341300_nMarty Brodsky has always been fascinated by language, first as a lyricist and musician, now as a writer of creative non fiction. He believes adventure is everywhere, and his website Expedition Underground allows others to share their adventures.